Category: Thoughts & Words

Jumbles of words that I felt necessary to release from my brain and put out there…

Day 2 — Your crush

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(For the sake of making this a little interesting and not dedicating half my letters to my boyfriend, this will be someone else.)
(For the sake of making this extra fun… well, you’ll see.)

Dear Colin,

I don’t know which came first – my overinvestment in Once Upon a Time or the first promotional photos of Killian Jones, but I miss seeing you on Sunday evenings.
And on Hulu when I felt like rewatching/catching up on an episode.
And on the #ouat tag on Tumblr that is getting a bit annoying so I’ve stopped checking in on that.
And also on the #killianjones tag.

It is embarrassing how much I loved seeing you with Sara Bolger in that one episode of The Tudors, specifically the clip on Youtube that I can’t watch at work because I dissolve into a sad mess when I do.

In typical teen girl fashion, I like that you’re in a band. I don’t know, I like it. I don’t think I need to justify this.

In any case, please continue to be great. If you ever reply to one of my tweets, please know that I’d be giddy all day as a result.

xoxo,
Starr

Day 1 — Your best friend

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Dear BFF,

I can’t remember the last time I had a true best friend… I might have been 5 years old? (Hey Kyung!) Perhaps I can chalk it up to a poor working definition of “best friend”. A best friend should be someone that knows you at least as well as you know yourself, perhaps even better. A best friend should be someone to whom you can tell anything and everything. A best friend should be someone you can always call up to have fun, a guaranteed good time.

Were my expectations too high for a best friend? I can’t think of anyone who fulfills all 3 of these components that are likely only a part of my convoluted definition of “best friend”.
Except you.

I have been able to tell you everything. It is such a relief to have someone besides the empty abyss of anonymous blog space to tell my secrets to. It has been such a joy to have you light up at hearing about the small scenes that make up my day. It has been lifesaving to have somebody’s shoulder to cry on.

I hope I don’t take advantage of this, but I am so glad for someone to cry around without fear of judgement or withdrawal. You are the first person to hold me while I cry, to wipe tears off my face, as clichéd as it is.

The experiences I have with you are all great memories. You helped me try new things; I helped you try new things. I always know that if I spend my time with you, I’ll enjoy it. That has been surprisingly tricky to find in a lot of people. Maybe I’m the kind of person who really only makes circumstantial/situational friends; when I take people out of their “designated” situations, I don’t like it and I don’t have fun.

So thank you for teaching me how to completely open up to another person for the first time since I was about 3 feet tall.*

Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

Love,
Me

P.S. *Speaking of Kyung, the story of my first best friend that my mom tells me is that I hated her when I met her. She was giving me a run for my money as far as being the cutest or the smartest or the most Asian. I purportedly went home absolutely furious with this new girl after her first day of school.

All I remember is Kyung teaching me how to play “Mary Had a Little Lamb” and “London Bridge” on a toy piano, having a love for Winnie the Pooh, and taking me swimming for one of the first times I had ever gone.

30 Day Letter Challenge

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I was stalking around on Mary‘s blog because she posts infrequently but she writes beautifully. She did this challenge a while ago. Since I currently hate everything, I figured it would be a nice little challenge to do.

I might choose not to do some at my own discretion. I hope no one will be on the edge of his/her seat waiting for those letters if that should happen.

Day 1 — Your best friend
Day 2 — Your crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to (coming soon)
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

How Dare They

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Do you ever look out and think

How dare the sun shine so brilliantly
How dare the birds sing so sweetly
How dare people fall in love
And find joy in small things

When I am so bitter and cold today?

Photo by: Starr Chen
Final print for my film course

 

MCAT Scores & Identity Crises

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The AAMC decided to release my MCAT score in the middle of my first round of midterms. I found out the score was being released via a text from a friend. "Any good news for me? :)"
… and I was so enjoying my day, too.

I got the score I had been getting on my practice exams. I improved from my previous score by 5 points. I wasn’t surprised by my score, nor was I crushed and convinced that it was time to activate Plan B, abandoning my ambitions to pursue medicine.

I accepted my score. I sort of accepted that somehow I lost a point since last time on my essay, the easiest part to me.
And I was so sorely disappointed.

It’s a good enough score to apply next year.
Looking at just numbers, there are a few schools I would be happy at that I stand a shot at getting into. I won’t be a shoo-in or their top pick, but I have a chance.

And yet.
I’m really disappointed with myself. I really wanted my MCAT score to go above and beyond to make up for my average GPA. Average MCAT, average GPA.

I have a hard time accepting that I’m just average.
I spent my younger years being super duper exceptional. I was a gold medal taekwondo tot. I sang the only solo given in choir. I was the equivalent of the prima ballerina at Chinese school ballet. I was the best student in my class my FAR.

Now, I’m supposed to accept being just average? Slightly above average?
I’ve surrounded myself with people who are really exceptional. Smart, athletic, beautiful, kind, ambitious, talented people with whom I am really entitled to be friends.
I’m starting to feel like they’re not my peers anymore. I cannot compare my achievements with theirs anymore. They have nothing to congratulate me on when I am congratulating them.
“Congratulations on this terrific accomplishment!” I’ll say.
”Congratulations on being adequately above average?”

I know I shouldn’t be as bummed as I am. I can apply to medical school. I made progress. My family was proud of me. My pre-health advisors congratulated me on my score. (I didn’t realize they would get my score, or that they would get it so soon.)
It’s not bad.
I’m just used to more. I’ve been spoiled by my own previously-set standards for achievement.
I’m used to winning gold, and I’m barely scraping by for bronze. Yes, I’m still medaling, but you know bronze doesn’t taste the same as gold.