I’m a Moron & Questions About BotFA

Yesterday, I was invited to go see a late-ish showing of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies with some of my high school friends. I wanted to say no originally, because I’ve seen it already and I needed to be up pretty early this morning, but then I reconsidered and decided I have to stop saying no to opportunities to do fun things.

Anyway, we had a group of 6 people total and were taking my friend’s minivan. Since I was one of the first people to get in the car, I thought it was only right for me to climb into the farthest back row rather than the middle row, so that I wouldn’t have to force people to climb over me. The minivan is well-loved, so the lights in the car didn’t turn on when the car doors were open and… well, the back seat wasn’t up. So when I climbed around the middle seats, turned around, and reached behind me for the seat…

I just landed on the floor of the van. Hard. On top of a tire iron, actually.

OH how we all laughed. I laughed the hardest, I think because my body didn’t know how to deal with what had just happened. I really thought there would be a seat up and had not even considered that it might be stowed away. My friend opened the trunk door to see my just on my butt, on this tire iron, laughing hysterically but also in pain.

There is now a bruise on my outer thigh/hip/butt area that doesn’t look too bad on the surface at all, thank goodness. (But it does hurt quite a bit to lie on my side. D:)

NOW I have a lot of questions about BotFA and a second viewing just made them more salient in my head. They are spoiler-y so they will come after this video. Please keep in mind that I have not read the novels so if these are questions that can be answered in the novel, or that you know the answers to, please do let me know! I want to know what is going on here.

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The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (2014)

Thanks to a last-minute save by my good friend Annie, I was able to attend an early screening of the final film in The Hobbit trilogy!

Oh man, what a ride this has been. The Tolkien fandom awoke after the end of the LotR trilogy ended. We get some more New Zealand tourism goodness. We got to see Orlando Bloom is his utterly glorious Legolas wig, even though Legolas isn’t in the novel. We get a beautiful Evangeline Lilly in her gorgeous wig, even though Tauriel isn’t a character in the book either.

Let me talk about the Tolkien fandom hype for this, eh? The hashtag for this film is #OneLastTime, as in what Thorin asks of his fellow dwarves: “Will you follow me, one last time?” But of course, for the fandom, it is One Last Time to see a fresh view of Middle Earth, One Last Time to have adventures with hobbits and wizards and elves and dwarves and orcs. The feels are powerful and iminent. This is our last time, folks. Let’s take some time to appreciate that all good things come to an end. (Unless/until they make The Silmarillion.)


If you didn’t feel the feels watching Billy Boyd sing “The Last Goodbye”, you’re probably not the target audience for these films 😛

Oh, hasn’t it been a great ride, friends? No matter your criticisms for these films, it’s been so much fun experiencing the epic proportion of Middle Earth and its inhabitants.

This final installment for the trilogy jumps RIGHT into things. If you had forgotten (as I had), The Desolation of Smaug ended with Smaug leaving the Lonely Mountain and making his way to Laketown to wreak havoc. So BotFA starts right there, with a deadly dragon ready to rain hellfire upon innocent people and the action gets going from the get-go.

(If you haven’t seen the previous 2 films, or even if you just don’t remember where the last film left off, you will definitely be a bit confused at the beginning of the movie. Why is this guy locked up again? Why is Kili dying on a table? Which dwarves went up the mountain and which ones stayed in Laketown? Who are any of these people? Where did Legolas and his golden locks go?)

LET’S JUST BE REAL: If you liked The Lord of the Rings, you liked the last 2 films in The Hobbit series, you’re going to like this final film.  You’ve got everything you could ask for:

  • Beautiful, breath-taking New Zealand scenery
  • Martin Freeman as the endearing titular character
    • He’s also so great with physical comedy and his facial expressions. We get great little doses of comic relief from him
  • Great comic relief moments overall
  • Interesting romance arc with Tauriel (who, again, is not a character from the canon, so all her storylines are made up)
  • Benedict Cumberbatch’s great voicework for Smaug and the Necromancer
  • Plenty of battle scenes (and I mean PLENTY, I mean it’s in the name of this film so)
  • Amazing cast members all around, truly
  • Terrific scoring by Howard Shore
  • Awesome effects


Can we also have Richard Armitage do a lot more voice work?

Non-spoiler-y comments:

  • There are POCs in this movie! Not very many, I think I saw maybe 2, but Laketown is a diverse enough town that there was at least one black person and one Asian person. Erm, okay, you can do better but you know, better than zero, I guess.
  • Even though many people didn’t like that there wound up being a bit of a love triangle in The Hobbit with the introduction of Tauriel (again, a non-canon character) and having Legolas in there (again, not in The Hobbit novel), I thought they handled it pretty well. I was satisfied with how they ended things. I’ll have some more comments on this below the trailer, but they could’ve done a lot worse. That being said, it did feel pretty unnecessary, but I guess they wanted us to feel more attached to these 3 characters? I certainly did.
  • There are really excellent moments of dramatic irony that point to events that will take place in The Lord of the Rings.
  • OKAY I did have an issue with a scene here and maybe some of the world building lemme break it down for you:
    • First of all, not sure how orcs are so easily beaten by men who seem to have zero battle experience?
    • At one point towards the end of the movie, Bilbo literally takes out orcs by throwing large rocks at them. Am I supposed to believe that he is killing them with these large rocks?
    • If Bilbo throwing large rocks kills orcs, how is it that he survives being thunked on the head with the hilt of an orc’s sword? (This is not a spoiler, obviously our titular character doesn’t die, we know he survives to the events of The Lord of the Rings.)
    • Basically, these orc extras seem way too easy to kill, even when compared to elf, men, and dwarf extras.
  • I do feel like, by this last film, I could start to differentiate the 12 dwarves that aren’t Thorin. That being said, I still can’t name half of them or tell them apart, really.
  • INTENSELY cool scene involving Galadriel (not in the book), Elrond, and Saurumon. We don’t see this much action from them in The Lord of the Rings so this scene was really fun to watch.
  • It’s also cool to see Lee Pace as Thranduil go to battle because, again, we don’t see much action from him in the earlier films, where he looks fabulous as always but in a very stationary way: standing fabulously, sitting fabulously, occasionally walking or pacing (!!) fabulously.
  • Would have liked to see a bit more fleshing out of Thorin’s dragon sickness. I feel like the trailer really set us up to watch this key character’s obsession and the corruption of his goals, but that was done a bit too weakly in the movie. It seems way more unreasonable than I thin it needed to seem, and then there’s just a very strange kind of hallucinatory sequence that just doesn’t carry much weight because the whole thing doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
  • It’s nice that we end at the scene from the first LotR film where Gandalf shows up at Bilbo’s door after his 111th birthday. It really helps to bring us full circle.

I would highly recommend refreshing your memory on the last 2 films before you watch this one, and it does help to have seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy because they make so many little nods to it in this film. But even if you do neither, you can still really enjoy this last Tolkien dream-come-true. One last time.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies will be in theaters in the US on Wednesday, December 17. (Check your individual country’s release date.) (Very sorry Argentina, as I believe you will not be getting this movie until January 1.)

Spoilers below the trailer:

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