Day 6 – A stranger

Wednesday, 12 June 2013Wednesday, 20 April 2016 StarrLeave a comment

Dear stranger,

I would love to know what is going through your mind as I walk past you. What are you thinking about? The lyrics to the song playing in your ears? The witty comeback you’ve thought of an hour too late? The delicious meal you’re going to have later? The idiot who almost ran you over earlier and, goshdarnit, aren’t people so inconsiderate?
I love learning people’s stories, and I would love to know yours.

Would we be friends, I wonder? Would we have a lot in common? Would we have a similar sense of humor? Would we like the same shows and movies? Would we share views on politics and religion and…

… would you like me, I wonder?

What would you think when you saw me walking past? It’s a bit egotistic to think that I would occupy your thoughts for any amount of time…
… but would I?

I can’t help but wonder.

Regards,
Another stranger

"Missed Connections" — “Missed Connections” by Adrian Tomine

Day 5 – Your dreams

Friday, 7 June 2013Wednesday, 20 April 2016 StarrLeave a comment

(I’m going to write this to my literal dreams that I have while I sleep, because those dreams are weird enough to merit a letter.)

Dear dreams,

Dang. You visit me while I sleep and you’re so freaking weird. I often wake up with nothing more than a lingering feeling. Maybe I’ll be eating lunch and suddenly I’ll remember that, in my dream, I was scared.

I don’t even know if there’s much more to say beyond that, really.

You’re weird.

There’s too many tornadoes in my dreams. That needs t chill, it’s freaking me out.
Also train stations.

(The tornado wrecking a train station dreams need to chill also.)

Love,
Starr

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Thursday, 6 June 2013Wednesday, 20 April 2016 StarrLeave a comment

Dear Stone,

It is similarly not easy being my little brother. You had to kind of live in my shadow for a while, and I know that. Although I give you grief about doing soccer when I was the person who asked to do it, I’m glad you have soccer. It was the first thing that was all yours where not only were you no longer “Starr’s brother”, but I became “Stone’s sister”. I remember seeing you relish the first time someone called me that.

I’m glad you’re so popular at school. You deserve that. I tried to force nerd-dom onto you, but you deserve friends and popularity. I just hope you continue to make good choices. I can’t tell you how proud I was when you told me (after I pestered you about it for weeks) that you didn’t attend prom your junior year because you didn’t want to drink but you knew that your friends who had invited you to prom would be drinking. (I hope there was no drinking at prom this year.) (Also, no drinking while you’re at Senior Week, k?)

I hope that you push yourself to be the best possible version of yourself. That’s why I pushed you into nerd-dom. It’s hard to jump higher when the bar isn’t constantly being set higher, and I know that you’re sometimes very influenced by your peers. I wanted you to value people who value their educations.

I am so proud of you and I know you’ll keep making me proud. I’ll try really hard not to be doing embarrassing around your friends but sometimes I just can’t help it, you know? 😛

Love,
姐姐, which I haven’t heard you call me in years

P.S. Maybe think about changing your Twitter handle. It’s embarrassing for me, I don’t understand how it’s not similarly or more embarrassing for you.

Day 3 – Your Parents

Thursday, 6 June 2013Wednesday, 20 April 2016 StarrLeave a comment

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know being my parents hasn’t been easy since I hit my pre-teen days and kind of never looked back. It’s been strange accepting that, not only was I imperfect contrary to what you had told me, but you were imperfect, too.

Coming to terms with your flaws has been maybe more difficult than coming to terms with my own. Because I can always try to change mine, but I can’t change you.

I love you both. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, at the very least the intention behind it.

I don’t know why I get so angry when we have our “discussions”. Maybe it’s because I put these expectations on you to say what I wanted to hear or to understand me.

I am really sorry that we aren’t closer. Our relationship isn’t ideal but I’m happy to have you both as my parents, and I look forward to repairing what I’ve broken.

Love,
Your daughter, 思思

Graduating Without Tears

Sunday, 2 June 2013Wednesday, 20 April 2016 StarrLeave a comment

I graduated from college a few weeks ago. Yay!

I’m glad to be done with college. I cherished my undergrad years, I really did, but I felt ready to graduate. People would ask me, “How do you feel about graduating? I’m so sad!”

“I’m ready to leave.” I was. I was starting to feel a bit old for it. I was feeling the way I felt when I graduated high school – done. If I stayed any longer, I would not have gleaned anything further from it.

Surprisingly, both to myself and to others, I get very uncharacteristically cold when it comes to graduation. Bear in mind that I am the kind of person who cries at most movies, including Peter Pan 2: Return to Neverland (poor Tink!) and I even felt my eyes watering during You, Me, and Dupree. That film is a comedy. A comedy starring Owen Wilson, for goodness sake. I was a blubbering mess when I moved to Maryland, and I have many photos of my unattractive crying face to attest to how sad I was on the last day of summer camp 5 years in a row.

So why haven’t I cried at all about high school or college graduation? Why don’t I feel sad about it? I know I miss college already, even though I think I’ll be working at my school next year for a bit. I miss it but I am not sad.

I am so cold. And I am never cold.

I do have a confession to make, though.
I relish being this frigid around graduation because graduation reminds me of how lonely I feel on those multiple weekends I spend alone. Everyone seeks out their closest friends for one last hurrah and I am left with this sad lesson:
When you know everybody, but only know them casually, you are close to nobody.

I get sad when people tease me about knowing everyone, because I know that I’m no one’s first pick to go out and do things. It’s nice to recognize a lot of people, but it’s a gift and a curse. Everyone’s an acquaintance and no one is your best friend.

I guess the moral of the story is this:
I become numb to graduation in order to avoid feeling too lonely, because I realize I’ve spent the past 4 years making acquaintances rather than friends.

Happier graduation post will come soon, and I’ll complete my letter challenge, honest! But there are some more pressing issues to address first. 🙂