Tag: reflection

Looking Back on 2013

Starr1 Comment

I am currently writing my annual resolutions post. Often, resolutions blog posts make me feel really frustrated with what I haven’t yet accomplished. They’re rarely things like “Continue to be awesome!” or “Keep being perfect!”

Even though this was another admittedly difficult year, I am more than aware of how many wonderful things happened this year.

So, without further ado, a quick little rundown of the things I accomplished this year that made me happy and/or proud:

  • I took a voice class
  • I played intramural basketball
  • I had an A+ in a biology class, if only for a brief moment
  • I produced, directed, and starred in a short film for class
    https://vimeo.com/65606058
  • I graduated college
    Stone and I on graduation day
  • I watched my brother graduate high school
  • I quit being pre-med
  • I saw Saturn
    IMG_1863_thumb.jpg
  • I started getting help
  • I began blogging more regularly
    • I made new friends as a result
  • I had my wisdom teeth removed
    IMG_1921
  • I got a smartphone whoa
  • I became Yelp Elite
    Embedded image permalink
  • I went to Europe, where I was able to check off bucket list places like:
    • London
      • I took my first-ever bike tour

        Helmet = ready!
        Helmet = ready!
    • Paris
    • Berlin
    • St. Petersburg
      • I learned that I should not be THAT scared of vodka

        Coming soon in my St. Petersburg posts!
        Coming soon in my St. Petersburg posts!
    • Copenhagen
    • Helsinki
    • Stockholm
    • Tallinn
  • I experienced a cruise ship for the first time

    2013-08-03 20.09.32
    The views were unreal.
  • I sang karaoke in front of strangers
  • I attended the Maryland Crab & Beer Festival
    2013-08-17 17.50.59
  • I attended two free, very different, movie screenings and thoroughly enjoyed them both
  • I finally walked along the Brooklyn Bridge
    2013-09-28 16.01.40
  • I ran my first-ever 5K (and lived!)
    My first time wearing numbers pinned to my shirt?
  • I attended my first-ever real concert

    Muse!
    Muse!
  • I took a ballet class

    My ballet classmates, instructor, and myself on the right.
    My ballet classmates, instructor, and myself on the right.
  • I met Buzz Aldrin

    Getting a signed book (and a compliment!) from Buzz Aldrin
    Getting a signed book (and a compliment!) from Buzz Aldrin
  • I sort of met Ice Cube

    Yeah, I could've touched him, no big deal.
    Yeah, I could’ve touched him, no big deal.

I had my Snow White costume featured on the Disneybound blog

Thank you Brittany for this screenshot!
Thank you Brittany for this screenshot!
  • I visited the Wall Street bull for the first time

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

All in all, I was so incredibly fortunate to have all of these experiences and more this year. I’m happy to have been able to experience these wonderful things and that I was able to share almost all of them here with my small bunch of readers.

I think that 2013, with its extreme ups and extreme downs, has made me a better person than I was in 2012. I’ve become more of a person of action. Mind you, I still have a long ways to go with this, but I didn’t say no to as many opportunities that I wanted so badly to say yes to. Resume vocal training? No more talking about it, time to register for a class and sing. Take up ballet again? Oh, maybe I could… or maybe I’ll just register for a class and dance.

I tried to not just talk about doing things with the false air of being too busy to actually do them. In truth, I was, and often am, too embarrassed to do things, Singing in front of complete strangers without a spotlight blinding me to their presence? Biking around a city that I don’t know? Paying MONEY to RUN even though I am slow and have poor endurance?

What’s more is that many of these experiences are actually the result of my own agency. Yes, my dad booked us for the bike tour, but I’m the one who called it to his attention and suggested it. He bought my tickets to The Nutcracker but only because he knew how badly I wanted to see it. (So badly that I was actually vocal about it, instead of willing people with my non-existent psychic powers to know.)

I am proud of myself for many of the things I accomplished, but maybe I’m most proud that I acted on things I wanted to do. Instead of “Oh, I wish I could do this…” I actually got up and did. I feel empowered by my newfound sense of agency.

This is what assures me that I will be a better person in 2014.
This is why I am grateful for 2013.

Day 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

StarrLeave a comment

I don’t have any true ex-boyfriends, but I could write to the person who comes closest.

(Warning: This letter got a bit long, oops. I have a lot more things to say than I thought to this person that I never got to and, unless he reads this, I never will.)

Dear Katana,

Please know that I had so much fun thanks to you. I never planned to spend the summer after graduating high school with a boy I had only known for 2 months, but I’m so grateful for the time we had. It was thanks to you that I was able to attend my prom at all, and I got to have an amazing time at both my school’s prom and yours one month later. I just think we didn’t have enough time together. There was the minor distance that we had trouble overcoming due to lack of cars. And I wanted to stay in my own hometown to go to grad parties and say my last farewells to my school and my friends.

I didn’t tell too many people about us because I had graduated and it didn’t matter enough to tell everyone about it. My friends didn’t believe I liked you, because I was also flirtatious with another boy. (The boy I thought would ask me to prom but didn’t.) I had to tell them that, while I wasn’t proud of it, I liked two guys; while one of them had a year to reciprocate any feelings he may have had and didn’t, you chose to act immediately. I appreciated that so much.

But while you were on vacation, I called you. I didn’t want to have to see you in person because it was a hassle, but also it was harder that way. You told me about Disneyland and seeing Leonardo DiCaprio’s house and how you were getting me Ghiradelli chocolates. I told you that that sounded awesome but maybe we should take a break so that we could focus on our friends and enjoying graduation and our time at home. At the time, you were going to school out of state and I didn’t want to take you away from this time at home. You thanked me for my honesty and consideration, and you admitted that what I told you wasn’t easy to hear.
I think things would have ended a little differently if I knew we’d be going to college together.

I was really disappointed when you started smoking. Not just because of how I feel about smoking but because of how I found out. Your friends, who hadn’t known that I had broken things off, were calling me and texting me and IMing me. They were deeply concerned about you because you had been acting out since you started smoking. I was furious when I found out, because they truly believed I was the only person who could get through to you and that their pleas fell on deaf ears. I called you for the first time in a short while and immediately demanded to know what was going on. You gave me maybe the dumbest reason for lighting a cigarette that I have ever heard, and you were awfully oblivious about the pain you had caused your friends.

I think that was the first time I cried over you. I was just so sad because one of the things I liked most about you was what a great friend you are. These guys looked up to you SO much. They respected and admired you and wanted to protect you. And you hurt them and you didn’t know how. There wasn’t an ounce of ill will between us until this incident, and it wasn’t until this point that our open-ended break was closed.

Your current girlfriend didn’t like me when we were at school, at least not at first. (I’ll admit, I’m still a wee bit scared of her. ^^;) Too many people knew me as your ex, and I had to gently tell them I was just your prom date, out of respect for the very real relationship you have with your girlfriend and also because I’m too proud to admit something like “my first relationship was almost non-existent”.

It sounds mean when I say this, but I mean it as warmly as I can. You have something very real with your girlfriend, and I have something very real with my boyfriend. Our “fling” doesn’t come close to what we have now. We saw less of each other than middle school couples do and we never had a proper date.

But I’m very grateful to you for the short time we had together. You’re a good guy.

I’m glad I met you. I wish you all the best, and I hope we can continue to be friends, even though our paths rarely cross.

Always,
Starr

I’m sorry we never got to go paddleboating here like you wanted.
I was truly looking forward to that.

MCAT Scores & Identity Crises

StarrLeave a comment

The AAMC decided to release my MCAT score in the middle of my first round of midterms. I found out the score was being released via a text from a friend. "Any good news for me? :)"
… and I was so enjoying my day, too.

I got the score I had been getting on my practice exams. I improved from my previous score by 5 points. I wasn’t surprised by my score, nor was I crushed and convinced that it was time to activate Plan B, abandoning my ambitions to pursue medicine.

I accepted my score. I sort of accepted that somehow I lost a point since last time on my essay, the easiest part to me.
And I was so sorely disappointed.

It’s a good enough score to apply next year.
Looking at just numbers, there are a few schools I would be happy at that I stand a shot at getting into. I won’t be a shoo-in or their top pick, but I have a chance.

And yet.
I’m really disappointed with myself. I really wanted my MCAT score to go above and beyond to make up for my average GPA. Average MCAT, average GPA.

I have a hard time accepting that I’m just average.
I spent my younger years being super duper exceptional. I was a gold medal taekwondo tot. I sang the only solo given in choir. I was the equivalent of the prima ballerina at Chinese school ballet. I was the best student in my class my FAR.

Now, I’m supposed to accept being just average? Slightly above average?
I’ve surrounded myself with people who are really exceptional. Smart, athletic, beautiful, kind, ambitious, talented people with whom I am really entitled to be friends.
I’m starting to feel like they’re not my peers anymore. I cannot compare my achievements with theirs anymore. They have nothing to congratulate me on when I am congratulating them.
“Congratulations on this terrific accomplishment!” I’ll say.
”Congratulations on being adequately above average?”

I know I shouldn’t be as bummed as I am. I can apply to medical school. I made progress. My family was proud of me. My pre-health advisors congratulated me on my score. (I didn’t realize they would get my score, or that they would get it so soon.)
It’s not bad.
I’m just used to more. I’ve been spoiled by my own previously-set standards for achievement.
I’m used to winning gold, and I’m barely scraping by for bronze. Yes, I’m still medaling, but you know bronze doesn’t taste the same as gold.