The AAMC decided to release my MCAT score in the middle of my first round of midterms. I found out the score was being released via a text from a friend. "Any good news for me? :)"
… and I was so enjoying my day, too.

I got the score I had been getting on my practice exams. I improved from my previous score by 5 points. I wasn’t surprised by my score, nor was I crushed and convinced that it was time to activate Plan B, abandoning my ambitions to pursue medicine.

I accepted my score. I sort of accepted that somehow I lost a point since last time on my essay, the easiest part to me.
And I was so sorely disappointed.

It’s a good enough score to apply next year.
Looking at just numbers, there are a few schools I would be happy at that I stand a shot at getting into. I won’t be a shoo-in or their top pick, but I have a chance.

And yet.
I’m really disappointed with myself. I really wanted my MCAT score to go above and beyond to make up for my average GPA. Average MCAT, average GPA.

I have a hard time accepting that I’m just average.
I spent my younger years being super duper exceptional. I was a gold medal taekwondo tot. I sang the only solo given in choir. I was the equivalent of the prima ballerina at Chinese school ballet. I was the best student in my class my FAR.

Now, I’m supposed to accept being just average? Slightly above average?
I’ve surrounded myself with people who are really exceptional. Smart, athletic, beautiful, kind, ambitious, talented people with whom I am really entitled to be friends.
I’m starting to feel like they’re not my peers anymore. I cannot compare my achievements with theirs anymore. They have nothing to congratulate me on when I am congratulating them.
“Congratulations on this terrific accomplishment!” I’ll say.
”Congratulations on being adequately above average?”

I know I shouldn’t be as bummed as I am. I can apply to medical school. I made progress. My family was proud of me. My pre-health advisors congratulated me on my score. (I didn’t realize they would get my score, or that they would get it so soon.)
It’s not bad.
I’m just used to more. I’ve been spoiled by my own previously-set standards for achievement.
I’m used to winning gold, and I’m barely scraping by for bronze. Yes, I’m still medaling, but you know bronze doesn’t taste the same as gold.