I don’t have any true ex-boyfriends, but I could write to the person who comes closest.

(Warning: This letter got a bit long, oops. I have a lot more things to say than I thought to this person that I never got to and, unless he reads this, I never will.)

Dear Katana,

Please know that I had so much fun thanks to you. I never planned to spend the summer after graduating high school with a boy I had only known for 2 months, but I’m so grateful for the time we had. It was thanks to you that I was able to attend my prom at all, and I got to have an amazing time at both my school’s prom and yours one month later. I just think we didn’t have enough time together. There was the minor distance that we had trouble overcoming due to lack of cars. And I wanted to stay in my own hometown to go to grad parties and say my last farewells to my school and my friends.

I didn’t tell too many people about us because I had graduated and it didn’t matter enough to tell everyone about it. My friends didn’t believe I liked you, because I was also flirtatious with another boy. (The boy I thought would ask me to prom but didn’t.) I had to tell them that, while I wasn’t proud of it, I liked two guys; while one of them had a year to reciprocate any feelings he may have had and didn’t, you chose to act immediately. I appreciated that so much.

But while you were on vacation, I called you. I didn’t want to have to see you in person because it was a hassle, but also it was harder that way. You told me about Disneyland and seeing Leonardo DiCaprio’s house and how you were getting me Ghiradelli chocolates. I told you that that sounded awesome but maybe we should take a break so that we could focus on our friends and enjoying graduation and our time at home. At the time, you were going to school out of state and I didn’t want to take you away from this time at home. You thanked me for my honesty and consideration, and you admitted that what I told you wasn’t easy to hear.
I think things would have ended a little differently if I knew we’d be going to college together.

I was really disappointed when you started smoking. Not just because of how I feel about smoking but because of how I found out. Your friends, who hadn’t known that I had broken things off, were calling me and texting me and IMing me. They were deeply concerned about you because you had been acting out since you started smoking. I was furious when I found out, because they truly believed I was the only person who could get through to you and that their pleas fell on deaf ears. I called you for the first time in a short while and immediately demanded to know what was going on. You gave me maybe the dumbest reason for lighting a cigarette that I have ever heard, and you were awfully oblivious about the pain you had caused your friends.

I think that was the first time I cried over you. I was just so sad because one of the things I liked most about you was what a great friend you are. These guys looked up to you SO much. They respected and admired you and wanted to protect you. And you hurt them and you didn’t know how. There wasn’t an ounce of ill will between us until this incident, and it wasn’t until this point that our open-ended break was closed.

Your current girlfriend didn’t like me when we were at school, at least not at first. (I’ll admit, I’m still a wee bit scared of her. ^^;) Too many people knew me as your ex, and I had to gently tell them I was just your prom date, out of respect for the very real relationship you have with your girlfriend and also because I’m too proud to admit something like “my first relationship was almost non-existent”.

It sounds mean when I say this, but I mean it as warmly as I can. You have something very real with your girlfriend, and I have something very real with my boyfriend. Our “fling” doesn’t come close to what we have now. We saw less of each other than middle school couples do and we never had a proper date.

But I’m very grateful to you for the short time we had together. You’re a good guy.

I’m glad I met you. I wish you all the best, and I hope we can continue to be friends, even though our paths rarely cross.

Always,
Starr